The Tween Years Series
Post 1 of 4: —Understanding the Transition from Childhood to Adolescence
Post 2 of 4: Navigating the Social Pressures of the Tween Years
Post 3 of 4: Emotional Intelligence and Resilience: Teaching Tweens How to Manage Their Feelings
Post 4 of 4: 6 Practical Tips for Parents to Survive Mood Swings
Note: As you read these posts, please keep in mind that I am not a mental health professional. I am, however, a mother. My husband and I have walked through self-esteem, depression, and anxiety issues with our daughter. I’ve personally walked through some of these issues when younger. My little sister has battled mental health challenges since middle school. I’ve done research to help those around me that I love dearly. I share my research and my stories. I truly believe in the power of showing someone how much you love them. I truly believe that our words can speak life over another person.
Emotional intelligence (EI) is an essential skill that children—and especially tweens—need as they transition through adolescence. The tween years are a time of rapid emotional, social, and physical growth. During this period, children are learning how to manage a host of complex feelings, navigate peer relationships, and cope with challenges that can leave them feeling stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed.
As Christian parents, it is essential to guide our children in developing emotional intelligence so they can build resilience and grow in their faith. Emotional resilience, the ability to bounce back from setbacks and challenges, is crucial in helping tweens navigate the ups and downs of adolescence with confidence. In this post, we’ll explore what emotional intelligence is, how to teach tweens to regulate their emotions, and how to foster resilience from a Christian perspective.
1. Understanding Emotional Intelligence: The Key to Healthy Emotional Development
What is Emotional Intelligence (EI)?
Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to identify, understand, and manage one’s emotions and the emotions of others. It includes several key components, including:
Self-awareness: The ability to recognize and understand one’s emotions and how they influence thoughts and behavior.
Self-regulation: The ability to control or redirect disruptive emotions and impulses, maintaining a calm and focused demeanor.
Empathy: The ability to understand the emotions of others and respond appropriately.
Social skills: The ability to interact harmoniously with others, building healthy relationships.
For tweens, developing EI is crucial because this is the period when they begin to experience more intense emotions, social pressure, and complex relationships. The skill of understanding their emotions and the impact these emotions have on their behavior is vital for mental health, relationship-building, and overall well-being.
Why EI is Important for Tweens
As children move through the transition from childhood to adolescence, they face an array of new emotional experiences, such as mood swings, peer pressure, and a growing sense of self-awareness. The development of EI equips them to understand and manage these emotions, leading to better self-regulation and more constructive ways to deal with challenges. For example, a tween with high EI might find it easier to navigate conflicts with friends, manage stress from school, or handle frustrations without lashing out.
From a Christian perspective, EI aligns with many biblical teachings about wisdom, kindness, and self-control. Proverbs 16:32 states, "Better a patient person than a warrior, those with self-control than those who take a city." This verse teaches the importance of self-regulation and emotional control—qualities that are essential in building emotional intelligence.
2. Teaching Tweens Emotional Regulation: How to Manage Strong Emotions
Recognizing Emotions:
The first step in emotional regulation is learning to recognize and name one’s emotions. A tween may feel overwhelmed by sadness, anger, or frustration but may not know how to express these emotions clearly. As parents, we can help our children articulate their feelings by teaching them a range of emotional vocabulary. For example, instead of simply saying, “I’m mad,” help them to identify whether they are feeling frustrated, disappointed, or irritated.
As we teach our children to recognize and name their emotions, we are also guiding them to become more self-aware. Self-awareness is the foundation of emotional intelligence and is the first step in managing emotions in a healthy way. Philippians 4:6-7 reminds us to "be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God." This verse encourages us to bring our worries and frustrations to God, who can help us in our times of need.
The Role of Self-Regulation:
Self-regulation is the ability to manage one’s emotional responses, especially when feelings are strong. It involves calming oneself down, thinking before reacting, and choosing an appropriate response. Tweens often struggle with regulating emotions, particularly when they are dealing with peer pressure, disappointment, or anxiety.
A helpful way to teach self-regulation is by encouraging techniques that calm the body and mind. For instance, deep breathing, counting to ten, or taking a short walk can help a child pause before reacting. It is also important to model these behaviors as a parent—demonstrating how to remain calm in stressful situations provides a practical example for your tween to follow.
The Bible speaks to the power of self-regulation in many verses, but one particularly relevant passage is James 1:19: "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." This verse serves as an important reminder to slow down, listen, and think before responding—principles that can help tweens (and adults) regulate their emotions in healthy ways.
Teaching Mindfulness and Reflection:
Mindfulness practices are an excellent way to teach tweens to regulate their emotions. Mindfulness helps them to be present in the moment, acknowledging their emotions without judgment. Encourage your child to take a few moments each day to reflect on their feelings, perhaps through journaling or quiet reflection. Journaling allows tweens to put their emotions into words, making it easier to understand and process their feelings.
A Christian perspective on mindfulness would include moments of prayer or quiet meditation on God's Word. Psalm 46:10 says, "Be still, and know that I am God." This stillness invites us to quiet our minds and hearts in the presence of God, a practice that can help tweens cultivate emotional balance.
3. Building Resilience: Helping Tweens Bounce Back from Setbacks
Understanding Resilience:
Resilience is the ability to recover from adversity, failure, or challenges. For tweens, building resilience is an essential part of emotional development, as this is a time when they will face academic stress, social pressures, and personal challenges that can test their ability to cope.
Resilient tweens are better able to adapt to changes, handle disappointments, and keep a positive outlook in difficult situations. From a Christian perspective, resilience can be linked to a child’s faith in God. Romans 5:3-4 says, "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Teaching tweens that God is with them during times of struggle helps them to understand that difficulties are opportunities for growth, not signs of failure.
Encouraging a Growth Mindset:
One of the best ways to foster resilience in tweens is by teaching them a growth mindset. A growth mindset is the belief that abilities and intelligence can be developed with effort, learning, and perseverance. Tweens with a growth mindset are more likely to see challenges as opportunities for growth rather than as obstacles that are impossible to overcome.
As parents, we can encourage a growth mindset by praising effort rather than innate talent. Instead of saying, "You're so smart," say, "I’m proud of how hard you worked on that." This shift in focus helps tweens to understand that perseverance, hard work, and a positive attitude are key to overcoming difficulties.
Modeling Resilience:
One of the most powerful ways to teach resilience is by modeling it yourself. Tweens watch their parents closely, and how you respond to challenges will shape how they learn to handle adversity. When you face difficulties—whether in your personal life, work, or relationships—model how to approach the situation with faith, patience, and perseverance.
Scripture encourages us to model resilience as a testimony of faith. Hebrews 12:1-2 urges, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith." By fixing our eyes on Christ, we demonstrate to our children that their challenges are part of a bigger story, and that God is with them every step of the way.
4. Fostering Healthy Relationships and Support Systems
Encouraging Empathy:
Empathy is a critical component of emotional intelligence and resilience. Teaching tweens to recognize and care about the emotions of others fosters healthy relationships and builds emotional awareness. Encourage your tween to practice empathy by discussing how their actions or words might impact others. Role-playing different scenarios can also help tweens practice responding with empathy and understanding.
As Christians, we are called to love others as Christ loves us. Ephesians 4:32 encourages us, "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Teaching tweens to approach others with kindness and compassion is not just good emotional practice—it is also an important part of living out our faith.
Building a Support Network:
Having a strong support network of family, friends, and mentors is crucial for emotional resilience. Encourage your tween to build healthy, supportive friendships with others who share their values and who encourage them to be their authentic selves.
As a Christian family, it’s essential to build a supportive environment that helps your tween grow in their faith and emotional well-being. Encourage them to get involved in activities or community service projects where they can build positive relationships with peers and mentors who will support them emotionally.
Conclusion:
The tween years are a crucial time for emotional growth and development. By teaching your tween emotional intelligence, emotional regulation, and resilience, you are giving them the tools they need to navigate the challenges of adolescence with confidence. From a Christian worldview, we see that these skills are not just practical for life—they are grounded in biblical teachings that encourage us to grow in wisdom, patience, and faith.
As parents, we can help our tweens recognize their emotions, regulate their feelings, and bounce back from setbacks by modeling resilience, providing loving support, and pointing them to the strength they can find in God. With these tools, our tweens can grow into emotionally intelligent, resilient, and confident young adults who are equipped to face life’s challenges with grace and courage.
Sources:
Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Bantam.
Thompson, R. A. (2014). Emotion Regulation: A Theme in Search of a Definition. Emotion Review, 6(1), 3-10.
Philippians 4:6-7 (ESV).
Romans 5:3-4 (NIV).
Proverbs 16:32 (ESV).
Philippians 4:13 (ESV).
Ephesians 4:32 (NIV).
Psalm 46:10 (NIV).