Tween Parenting Series: 4 Creative Ways to Spend Quality Time with Your Tween

Part 4: Make Routine Moments Special

We live in a world that is always rushing forward, filled with constant demands and distractions. As our children grow older, especially during the tween years, it’s easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of school schedules, extracurricular activities, and household tasks. Often, we forget that the most meaningful connections don’t always come from grand gestures or big events, but from the quiet, everyday moments that we share together.

When we look back at our lives, many of the memories that stay with us are from the little things—those routine moments that seemed insignificant at the time but were actually the ones that helped build our strongest bonds. For your tween, these moments matter more than you might think. While they may not always express it, they crave those moments of connection, of intentionality, and of feeling seen and valued.

This is why transforming the ordinary into something special is one of the most powerful ways to nurture your relationship with your tween. It doesn’t take a major life event or a carefully planned vacation to create memories that will last a lifetime. Sometimes, all it takes is a change in perspective—taking a routine moment and making it feel like a meaningful ritual.

In this final part of our blog series, we’ll explore how you can take the everyday, the mundane, and the routine—and turn it into something unforgettable. These are the moments that will strengthen your bond, build trust, and give your tween something to hold onto as they continue to grow and change.

1. Special “Mom/Dad & Me” Days: The Power of Small Traditions

It’s easy to get caught up in the busyness of life, where days blend into one another. But even amidst the chaos, setting aside special time with your tween—just the two of you—can create a sense of significance that they’ll remember for years to come.

I remember the first time I made a commitment to spend a whole day with Lucy—just us. We decided that once a month, we would do something together that felt special. The first time, we had breakfast at a local diner we both loved. It wasn’t fancy, and we didn’t spend much money, but it was the intentionality behind it that made it feel important. We laughed, talked about everything and nothing, and truly enjoyed the time we had. It was just an hour or two, but I could see the joy in her eyes, the spark of excitement knowing that this was her time, her moment with me.

The following month, we went to a nearby museum. It was something she had always wanted to do, but we hadn’t gotten around to it until then. The day was full of fun, curiosity, and shared wonder at the exhibits. We talked about history, art, and our favorite parts of the museum. It wasn’t just the activity that mattered—it was the act of carving out time for each other.

And this became our tradition. Now, as Lucy is navigating the complexities of being a tween—dealing with the pressures of school, friendships, and self-identity—these special days have become her anchor. She knows that once a month, she’ll have undivided attention, a moment of peace with me, where we can just be together. No distractions. No agendas. Just us.

2. Bedtime Rituals: Creating a Safe Space for Connection

The tween years can be especially challenging. The outside world is full of noise, pressure, and growing expectations, and at home, your tween might struggle to express everything they’re feeling. This is why bedtime rituals are such a powerful opportunity for connection.

One of the most emotional experiences I’ve had with my daughter has been those quiet, intimate moments right before bed. After a long day, when the world slows down, we curl up together on my bed, and we talk. Some nights we read a book, other nights we talk about our day. There’s something about that time—the soft lighting, the calm atmosphere—that allows for deeper conversations to take place.

Sometimes, it’s the simple things. We’ll talk about the highs and lows of the day—the little victories that might seem insignificant to the outside world, but are huge in her growing sense of self. She might share a moment of joy, like getting a compliment from a friend, or a worry about a test coming up. Sometimes, it’s a laugh over something silly, other times, it’s tears over the struggles of fitting in.

The key is not rushing through these moments. It’s about being present. Holding space for whatever she needs to share.

There was one night when Lucy opened up about something that had been weighing heavily on her heart—a friendship issue that was making her feel isolated. I sat with her for what felt like hours, just listening. I didn’t have all the answers. I didn’t try to fix it. I just listened, gave her a hug, and reassured her that she wasn’t alone.

Those moments before bed—quiet, unhurried—are some of the most sacred we have. It’s where we connect on a deeper level and where I get to remind her, “I’m here. I see you. I love you.”

3. Car Rides: Where Conversations Flow Naturally

It’s amazing how some of the best conversations happen when you’re not trying to have a conversation at all. Car rides, especially those spent in the quiet hum of a familiar drive, can be surprisingly rich in connection. Whether you’re driving to soccer practice, a doctor’s appointment, or just running errands, the car offers a unique, low-pressure space for your tween to open up.

One of my most memorable moments with Lucy occurred during a routine car ride. We were on our way to school, and as we drove, she casually asked a deep heart question about life. The conversation wasn’t forced or planned—it simply flowed because there was no pressure. I wasn’t staring her in the eyes across a table, asking her to talk. Instead, she sat in the backseat as I navigated from the driver’s side, the road ahead of us, with the feeling of being in this journey together.

Sometimes, it’s not about diving into heavy topics. Often, the best moments happen when there’s no agenda, no plan to talk about anything at all. It’s about showing up and being there. During these car rides, we don’t have to force the conversation, but when it comes, we’re ready to listen.

4. Everyday Rituals: Finding Magic in the Mundane

Some of the most meaningful moments are the ones that happen when you least expect it—the quiet rituals that you do together every day without even thinking about it. Whether it’s doing the dishes, folding laundry, or making dinner, these small tasks can be transformed into bonding experiences when you shift your mindset.

One evening, Lucy and I were cleaning up the kitchen together after dinner. She was moving the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher, and I was putting away leftovers. I wasn’t expecting any deep conversation—but then, out of nowhere, she turned to me and said, “Mom, I’m nervous about starting junior high school next year.”

That simple, everyday moment turned into one of the most meaningful conversations we’ve ever had. We talked about her fears, her excitement, and the uncertainty that comes with big transitions. I hadn’t planned to have this conversation—but the act of being present, of simply spending time together, created the space for her to open up.

Conclusion: Time Well Spent

As your tween grows, the world will continue to pull them in different directions. They’ll face new challenges, develop new interests, and try to carve out their own identity. But in the midst of all of this change, one thing will remain constant: your love and support.

By making everyday moments special, by creating routines that bring you closer together, you’re showing your tween that no matter how big they grow or how independent they become, they will always have a place with you.

It’s in these quiet moments—these routine moments—that you’ll build the kind of relationship that will last. Your tween will carry these memories with them, long after they’ve grown up. So, whether it’s a special “Mom/Dad & Me” day, a bedtime ritual, a casual car ride, or a shared task, remember that time spent together is never wasted. It’s a gift—a gift that you’ll both treasure for years to come.

Tween Parenting Series: 4 Creative Ways to Spend Quality Time with Your Tween

Part 3: Engage in Conversations That Matter

The tween years are often described as a turbulent time for both children and parents. As your child navigates this stage of growing independence, developing interests, and testing boundaries, you might feel the gap between you widening. The conversations that once came so easily—about their favorite toys, their dreams of becoming astronauts, or what happened at school that day—suddenly seem harder to come by. Instead, the dialogue becomes a back-and-forth exchange of logistical discussions: "Did you finish your homework? Did you take out the trash? What time is your practice?" These routine conversations are necessary, of course, but they don’t always foster the kind of connection you’re hoping for.

In these years, your tween is not only growing physically but emotionally, mentally, and socially. They are processing new thoughts, emotions, and experiences that may feel overwhelming to them, and yet, they may be reluctant to share. The floodgates of emotion are often still behind a wall they’ve built for themselves, and they may not always know how to articulate what they’re feeling. As a parent, this can feel isolating, especially when you want to be their safe space, their confidante, the one person they can turn to when they need to be heard.

However, the tween years also offer a beautiful opportunity to engage in deeper, more meaningful conversations. These moments of reflection and connection can help your child better understand themselves and their world. They need more than just the "surface-level" conversations about schedules and chores. They need a space where they feel safe to explore their thoughts and feelings—where they know you’re truly listening and you’re present with them in the most authentic way.

In this third part of the series, we’ll dive into how you can create meaningful, engaging conversations with your tween. These aren’t just casual chats—they’re the kinds of conversations that foster deeper understanding, empathy, and connection.

Talk About Values: Foundations for the Future

As your tween grows, they begin to experience the world in new ways. They start to question their beliefs, the values they hold, and their place in the world. It’s a time when they begin to understand the difference between right and wrong, fairness and injustice, kindness and cruelty. They may be influenced by their friends, social media, and the messages they see around them, but at the core, they are developing their own moral compass.

This is where you, as their parent, can provide invaluable guidance. It’s not about dictating what they should believe—it’s about having honest, open conversations about values, and allowing them to explore what’s important to them. This can be a powerful tool for helping your tween feel grounded as they navigate the chaos of adolescence.

The next time you’re sitting down for a quiet dinner or driving together to practice, take a moment to talk about the things that matter to both of you. Ask questions like:

• “What’s something you’ve always believed is important, and why?”

• “How do you handle challenges or things that are hard in your life?”

• “What kind of person do you want to be?”

These aren’t just questions to fill the silence—they’re conversations that will help your tween start to solidify their values and beliefs, and in turn, will help them feel more confident in who they are.

One evening, I sat down with my daughter, Lucy, after a long day of running errands. She’d had a tough week at school—lots of drama with friends and a challenging test she didn’t do well on. As I made dinner, I casually asked her, “What do you think is more important—being nice, or being honest?” I didn’t expect much of an answer, but her face softened, and she said, “Being honest, I guess. But sometimes honesty can hurt people’s feelings.”

We spent the next 20 minutes talking about the balance between kindness and honesty—how you can be truthful without being cruel, how your words have power, and how your actions reflect your character. This wasn’t a lecture. It wasn’t a “life lesson” moment. It was a conversation that allowed her to express her thoughts and challenge her ideas. And as a result, I saw her leave the table with more clarity about who she wanted to be.

Share Your Memories: A Bridge Between Generations

The tween years are a time when your child is beginning to see you not just as a parent, but as a person—someone who had their own experiences, challenges, and growth before they were born. They are starting to recognize that you, too, were once young and figuring things out just like they are now. Sharing your own stories—especially from your tween and teenage years—can be a powerful way to build empathy, connection, and trust.

These stories give your tween a glimpse into your past, helping them understand that you’ve been where they are and that you, too, have navigated difficult emotions, friendships, and challenges. By sharing these experiences, you create a sense of solidarity. Your tween sees that you’re not just a parental figure, but someone who understands their struggles.

One evening, while folding laundry, I started telling Lucy about the time I failed a big math test in middle school. I shared how devastated I was and how embarrassed I felt, but also how that failure taught me resilience and the importance of asking for help when I needed it. I didn’t make it a lesson. I simply shared my vulnerability.

She stopped what she was doing and said, “Mom, I failed my math test this week, too. I thought I was the only one.” That small moment of connection was huge for us. It didn’t solve her anxiety, but it reassured her that it’s okay to fail, and that failure doesn’t define you—it’s how you get back up that matters.

Create a “Question Jar”: Spark Reflection and Curiosity

Sometimes, the best conversations come from a little nudge. Your tween may not always feel comfortable initiating deep discussions, but if you offer a safe, fun way for them to start sharing, it can open the door to meaningful connection.

A “question jar” is an excellent way to engage in thought-provoking, meaningful conversations. The idea is simple: write down a variety of questions—some fun, some deep—on small pieces of paper, and place them in a jar. Each week (or whenever you feel the need), take turns drawing a question from the jar and discussing it together.

The beauty of the question jar is that it offers a chance to talk about a wide range of topics, from lighthearted to serious, and gives both you and your tween a platform to explore ideas you may not have discussed before. Questions can range from:

• “What’s your biggest dream for the future?”

• “If you could meet anyone in the world, who would it be and why?”

• “What’s your biggest fear, and how do you cope with it?”

These types of questions create an opportunity for your tween to reflect on their emotions and thoughts, and for you to learn more about what’s going on in their world. It’s a great way to understand the things that matter most to them and to show that you care about their feelings.

Lucy’s school sent home a question jar at the beginning of the school year, and some of our most heart-to-heart conversations have come from it. It’s been a gentle way for us to dig deeper without feeling like we’re “forcing” the conversation. It’s fun and lighthearted at times, and deeply moving at others.

The Heart of It All: Listening and Being Present

The foundation of all these conversations is trust. When you create an environment where your tween feels comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings, you’re building the kind of relationship that lasts. When they know they can come to you with anything—and that you will listen, not judge—they’ll continue to turn to you, not just now but in the years to come.

So, the next time you sit down with your tween, remember that it’s not just about talking—it’s about listening, understanding, and showing them that they matter. And most importantly, it’s about creating a space where they can truly be themselves.

Tween Parenting Series: 4 Creative Ways to Spend Quality Time with Your Tween Part 2

Part 2: Get Active and Move Together

As a parent, it can sometimes feel like you're watching your tween slowly drift away. They are pulling away from childhood and stepping closer to adolescence, and while it’s all part of growing up, it leaves a heavy weight in your heart. One day they are asking for help with everything, and the next, they’re shrugging off your advice and seeking independence.

During these years of change, it’s easy to feel disconnected. Tweens often seem so absorbed in their own world of friends, school, and social media that we might wonder if they still need us as much as they did before. But I can tell you, they do. They just need us in a different way.

One of the most powerful things you can do to stay connected to your tween—and help them feel seen, heard, and loved—is by getting active and moving together. Physical activity isn’t just great for health; it’s also an ideal opportunity for bonding in a way that doesn’t require direct eye contact or deep, intense conversations. Sometimes, it’s in the movement itself that the best moments happen.

When you’re engaging in a physical activity with your tween, the conversation often flows more naturally. Why? Because the focus isn’t solely on talking—it’s on the activity. The pressure to “have a deep conversation” often fades away, and the dialogue feels less forced and more spontaneous. Whether it’s exploring the outdoors, trying a new sport, or even just being together while you’re both moving, these shared experiences can help you create memories, ease their stress, and open up those lines of communication.

It’s amazing how movement—whether it’s through exercise, a simple walk, or playing a game—can transform your relationship with your tween. You may have noticed that sometimes when you try to talk to them at home, they clam up, but once you’re outside doing something together, they start to open up. That's the magic of getting active—when you're side by side, not focused on looking them in the eye or sitting across the table, but rather simply walking, biking, or playing, your tween can feel safer in opening up.

Take a Nature Walk or Hike: The Healing Power of the Outdoors

The first time I took my daughter, Lily, on a nature walk, I didn’t expect anything life-changing to happen. We were just walking through the local park, meandering slowly along the dirt trail, talking about random things. But something shifted in the stillness of the woods.

Lily, who had been closed off for weeks, suddenly started talking. It wasn’t anything earth-shattering at first. She mentioned how stressful school had been lately, how she was dealing with some tough friendships, and how she was afraid she wasn’t “cool enough” to fit in. But the words came so easily. It wasn’t the “perfect time” for a deep conversation—there was no sitting down with tissues or having a heart-to-heart on the couch. Instead, it was the act of walking together, breathing in the fresh air, and being in a neutral, calming environment that helped her open up.

And while I listened, I realized how much she had been carrying that I had never known about. I saw a side of her that was vulnerable and anxious—things she might not have shared in the chaos of everyday life. We didn’t talk for hours, and we didn’t have a long “session” of therapy, but just that short, 30-minute walk through the park helped me connect with her in a way that felt natural and unforced.

The outdoors is a peaceful, grounding setting. Nature seems to have that effect on people. Being surrounded by trees, birds, and fresh air seems to invite us to slow down and really listen—not just to the words but to the emotions underneath. It’s in these spaces that the walls between us as parent and tween can start to fall.

Go for a Bike Ride: Two Wheels, One Heartbeat

One of the most fun and freeing activities you can do with your tween is to go for a bike ride. I’ll never forget one Saturday afternoon when Lily and I decided to take our bikes down to the nearby trail. It was a simple plan—just to ride, enjoy the fresh air, and chat along the way—but the impact it had on our connection was much more significant than I expected.

At first, it was just the sound of our tires crunching on the pavement, and the gentle breeze brushing past us. But soon, something shifted. We were side by side, navigating the trail together, and the conversation started to flow. She told me about a fight she had with her best friend, about how she was struggling with her self-image, and how sometimes she felt like she was invisible at school. I didn’t even have to try hard to get her to talk. The movement, the rhythm of pedaling, and the feeling of being outside together created the space for her to open up.

The great thing about biking together is that it removes the pressure of sitting still and staring at each other. You’re both moving, both focused on the road ahead, and there’s a kind of unspoken bond that forms when you’re sharing an activity. It’s like you’re both in it together—learning something new, challenging each other, and supporting each other without even realizing it. As Lily and I pedaled side by side, I could sense her becoming more at ease. I saw her smile more freely, and I realized that this simple activity was becoming a safe space for her to share what was really on her mind.

Try a New Sport Together: Laughter and Learning

A few weeks ago, I thought it might be fun for Lily and me to try something completely new—something neither of us had done before. I suggested we try tennis. We had no experience, but I figured it would be an opportunity for us to laugh at ourselves, be silly, and just have fun.

At first, Lily wasn’t so sure. “I don’t know, Mom. I’m not good at tennis. What if I mess up?” she said, a little unsure of herself.

I smiled. “You can’t mess up. It’s about having fun. We’re just going to try it together.”

That’s all it took. We signed up for a lesson, and although we were far from being experts, we had a blast. We spent an hour laughing at our awkward swings, trying to keep the ball in play, and encouraging each other when we missed. It was a time to be silly, to let go of expectations, and just enjoy the moment.

And somewhere in the middle of all the laughter, Lily opened up. She told me about how hard she had been working to “fit in” at school, and how much pressure she felt to be perfect. As we both chased tennis balls across the court, I could see her start to relax, her worries lifting just a little bit. I wasn’t lecturing her, and I wasn’t trying to fix anything— I was just there, in that moment, laughing with her and showing her that it was okay to be imperfect.

Trying a new sport together can teach both of you so much. It’s not just about the game or the exercise—it’s about the shared experience of learning and growing together. And through that growth, it becomes a platform for deeper, more meaningful conversations.

The Beauty of Movement and Connection

The beauty of getting active with your tween is that the conversation doesn’t feel forced, and the focus isn’t entirely on “talking about your feelings.” When you move together—whether you’re walking, riding bikes, or learning a new sport—you’re giving your tween the space to open up on their own terms. Movement is freeing, and sometimes it’s easier to talk when you’re not locked in direct eye contact. You’re simply walking or biking together, enjoying the rhythm of the activity, and letting the connection happen naturally.

In a world full of distractions and pressures, these simple activities can remind both of you of the importance of slowing down and truly being present with each other. They offer more than just physical exercise—they offer emotional healing, growth, and a way to stay connected through the ever-changing tween years.

So, next time you find yourself struggling to connect with your tween, don’t force the deep conversations. Instead, grab your bikes, head to the park, or try something new together. You might just find that in the laughter, the movement, and the shared experience, your tween will open up in ways you never expected. And in that moment, you’ll both realize just how precious these years truly are.

Tween Parenting Series: 4 Creative Ways to Spend Quality Time with Your Tween Part 1

Part 1: 4 Creative Ways to Spend Quality Time with Your Tween

Part 2: Get Active and Move Together

Part 3: Engage in Conversations That Matter

Part 4: Part 4: Make Routine Moments Special

The days of snuggling on the couch with your little one, reading books and watching cartoons, seem so far away now, don’t they? Your child, once full of wide-eyed wonder and curiosity, is now a tween—somewhere between childhood and adolescence—and you’re noticing the shift.

Maybe she’s become more independent, more opinionated, and even a little distant. You’ve started hearing more “leave me alone” or “I’ll do it myself,” and you can feel the pull in your heart as you realize your baby is growing up. But here’s the thing: in the midst of all these changes, there’s a window of opportunity—a chance to deepen your connection before she drifts too far away.

The tween years are tough for both kids and parents. It’s a time when children begin to define themselves, exploring new interests, testing boundaries, and struggling with emotions they don’t quite know how to handle. But it’s also a time when they need you more than ever. They may not always show it, but beneath the surface, they want to feel seen, loved, and understood.

And this is where you come in. The time you spend with your tween during these years can shape her self-esteem, her values, and the relationship you’ll carry with her into her teenage years. So, what’s the best way to spend time with your tween in a way that nurtures your bond?

In this four-part blog series, I’ll share powerful and emotional ways to spend quality time with your tween. These aren’t just ordinary activities. These are experiences that can strengthen your connection, build trust, and help your tween feel loved and valued—just the way she is.

Part 1: Get Creative with One-on-One Activities

The first time I noticed the shift in my daughter, Lucy, was when she turned 9. One day, I was sitting in the living room, working on my laptop, and Lucy was sitting across the room, reading a book. Normally, we would be talking about our day, laughing about silly things, or even watching a movie together. But that day, she seemed so distant—so absorbed in her own world.

I couldn’t help but feel a pang of sadness. It was the realization that she wasn’t my little girl anymore.

I missed the days when I could get down on the floor and play with her stuffies or make a fort out of blankets. But now, she was starting to carve out her own identity—her own space.

I was hesitant to ask her what was wrong, afraid that she might close me off more. But deep down, I knew I had to find a way to reconnect—to remind her that I was still there for her, even if things were changing.

That’s when I came up with the idea to spend time with her in a way that would make her feel seen and heard, without any pressure. It was a small but significant idea that started to shift our relationship. We would create together.

Art Projects: A Canvas of Connection

Lucy had always been artistic—painting, drawing, sculpting—she loved it all. So one weekend, I asked her if she wanted to do an art project with me. She looked up from her book with a raised eyebrow, a mix of curiosity and skepticism. “Okay, but I’m not sure what to do.”

“Let’s just start,” I said, “and see where it goes. We could paint, make some pottery, or just try something new. How about we paint something together?”

Her face softened, and a little smile tugged at the corners of her lips. “Yeah, that sounds fun.”

We dug out the paint, brushes, and canvases that had been collecting dust in the cabinet. I wasn’t sure if she would actually enjoy it, but I had a feeling that this would open up a door for us.

As we painted, I let Lucy take the lead. I followed her ideas—if she wanted to paint a sunset with wild colors, I followed. If she wanted to add layers of texture, I let her guide the brush. There was no rush, no agenda, just the two of us in the room, surrounded by the quiet hum of the world outside.

As we worked, something magical happened. Lucy began to talk—slowly at first, but then the words came spilling out. She told me about a friend at school who had been acting distant, about how she was nervous about starting high school next year, and about how sometimes she felt like no one really understood her.

I listened. Really listened. I didn’t interrupt, didn’t try to solve anything. I just let her express herself as the paint dried between us.

Cooking Together: Creating More than a Meal

As we worked on our art project, I started to realize that these small, intentional moments were what we had been missing. It wasn’t just about the activity—it was about slowing down enough to make space for real conversation and emotional connection.

Inspired by our creative success, I decided to extend the bond. I asked Lucy if she wanted to cook with me the following weekend. “You can choose the recipe, and we’ll make it together,” I said.

She hesitated at first. “I don’t know... what if I mess it up?”

“Lucy,” I said gently, “it’s about having fun, not being perfect. Cooking is just like painting—there are no mistakes, only new experiences. You can do whatever you want.”

That was all it took. Lucy lit up, excited by the prospect of choosing the recipe. We spent the afternoon together in the kitchen, chopping vegetables, stirring sauces, and sharing laughs over the occasional spilled ingredient. Lucy picked a recipe for homemade pizzas, and we made our own dough, added toppings, and waited as the pizzas baked in the oven.

While the food cooked, we talked about everything and nothing. She told me about a funny moment in class and how she was struggling with a math assignment. We didn’t just make dinner that day; we made memories. And we didn’t just talk about surface-level things—we talked about what was on her heart.

Building Something Together: Crafting a Legacy

One of the most powerful ways to bond with your tween is through shared projects that teach you both the value of teamwork. For us, that came in the form of planting seeds for the future.

One Saturday afternoon, Lucy and I were walking through the store when we stumbled across a section of seeds—the veggie section. It was simple, but something about the idea of planting seeds for the future resonated with me. We decided to give it a try.

Lucy was a little unsure at first. “None of my plants have lived,” she said.

“Most of mine die,” I laughed, “but that’s the fun of it. We can love them back to life! We’ll figure it out together.”

We spent the next few hours working on the planting, picking the right spot, amending the soil, watering the ground, and cleaning up the mess together. Our hands got dirty, and there were moments of frustration when something didn’t work right. But in the end, when we stood outside and saw tiny sprouts bursting from the soil several days later, something shifted. It was a tangible symbol of our effort, our teamwork, and our shared commitment to something meaningful.

Planting that crop of seeds together reminded me of how much I needed to slow down and appreciate the small moments. It also reinforced that Lucy needed me to be present—not just physically, but emotionally, too.

The Power of Creative Time: Why it Matters

In the months that followed, Lucy and I found more ways to spend creative time together. Sometimes it was painting, other times cooking, and other times it was working on a project like the veggie seeds. But what remained constant was the connection we built during those moments.

The beauty of these activities wasn’t just in what we created, but in the space they gave us to connect on a deeper level. These were the moments when Lucy felt seen and heard. These were the moments when she felt loved and valued. And, perhaps most importantly, these were the moments when I felt like I was truly there for her—showing her that I was her biggest supporter, no matter what changes life brought.

So, if you find yourself missing the bond you once had with your tween, or if you’re feeling disconnected from the person they’re becoming, remember this: spending quality, creative time together is one of the most powerful ways to reconnect. It’s not about being perfect, having all the right answers, or even completing the project. It’s about being there, being present, and showing your tween that they are more than enough.

Through these creative moments, you’re teaching them that no matter how much they change, you’ll always be there to support them—with love, patience, and the willingness to grow together.

The Tween Years—Understanding the Transition from Childhood to Adolescence

The Tween Years Series

Post 1 of 4: —Understanding the Transition from Childhood to Adolescence

Post 2 of 4: Navigating the Social Pressures of the Tween Years

Post 3 of 4: Emotional Intelligence and Resilience: Teaching Tweens How to Manage Their Feelings

Post 4 of 4: 6 Practical Tips for Parents to Survive Mood Swings

Note: As you read these posts, please keep in mind that I am not a mental health professional. I am, however, a mother. My husband and I have walked through self-esteem, depression, and anxiety issues with our daughter. I’ve personally walked through some of these issues when younger. My little sister has battled mental health challenges since middle school. I’ve done research to help those around me that I love dearly. I share my research and my stories. I truly believe in the power of showing someone how much you love them. I truly believe that our words can speak life over another person.

---

The age range of 8-12 is a challenging but exciting time for both children and parents. These years, often referred to as the “tween years,” mark the transition from childhood into adolescence. This period is characterized by profound physical, emotional, and psychological changes. Understanding these transformations can help parents navigate the complexities of parenting tweens with greater empathy and effectiveness.

Tweens are no longer children, but they’re not yet teenagers either. They exist in a unique phase where the foundation of adulthood begins to take shape, yet they still rely on their families for support, guidance, and reassurance. Parents of tweens often experience frustration as they witness their children becoming increasingly independent, while still struggling with emotional instability and a heightened sensitivity to the world around them.

In this post, we’ll explore the developmental shifts that define the tween years, including physical growth, cognitive development, emotional turbulence, and changes in social dynamics. We’ll also provide guidance on how to support your tween during this period of significant growth and change.

1. The Developmental Shifts: What’s Happening Inside a Tween’s Brain and Body?

Physical Growth:

During the tween years, children undergo significant physical growth. These years are the onset of puberty, which includes major changes like the development of primary and secondary sexual characteristics.

• For girls: Puberty typically begins between ages 8-13, with breast development and the onset of menstruation being the most noticeable physical changes (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2016). Girls often experience increased height and weight as well, sometimes causing them to feel self-conscious about their changing bodies.

• For boys: Puberty usually begins a bit later, between ages 9-14, and includes deepening of the voice, facial and body hair growth, and increased muscle mass (Steinberg, 2014). Boys also experience growth spurts during this period, though the physical changes may not be as immediately obvious as those in girls.

Both girls and boys may feel awkward or uncomfortable with their new bodies. This period of rapid change can cause confusion, embarrassment, or frustration, especially if their development is happening at different rates compared to their peers. It’s essential for parents to be supportive and understanding of these feelings, acknowledging that such physical changes are part of growing up.

I remember feeling so uncomfortable during this season, and I had no access to social media or the mass barrage of videos and photos of others.

Cognitive Development:

The cognitive abilities of tweens are expanding rapidly during this phase. As they enter the formal operational stage of Piaget’s cognitive development theory, tweens begin to think more abstractly and critically.

• Abstract Thinking: One of the significant cognitive changes during the tween years is the ability to think in more abstract terms. This allows tweens to engage with more complex problems, think about the future, and ponder moral and ethical dilemmas (Piaget, 1972).

• Questioning Authority: With the development of abstract thinking, tweens often begin to question the world around them, including the rules set by parents, teachers, and other authority figures. They begin to engage more in critical thinking, asking "why" and "how" in ways that might seem like rebellion or defiance (Steinberg, 2014). This can sometimes create tension between parents and children as the tween tests boundaries and challenges the values and rules they’ve grown up with.

• Increased Self-Awareness: Cognitive development also leads to greater self-awareness. Tweens begin to understand themselves more deeply, considering their strengths, weaknesses, and place in the world. They also become more self-conscious, as they begin to compare themselves to others and form their identities in relation to social norms.

Emotional Development:

Hormonal changes during puberty create fluctuations in mood and emotional responses. This is why tweens can sometimes seem unpredictable or irrational.

• Mood Swings: The hormonal fluctuations associated with puberty often lead to rapid shifts in mood, from happiness to irritability to sadness. Tweens may experience these shifts intensely, without fully understanding or controlling them (Steinberg, 2014). These mood swings can be frustrating for both tweens and their parents, as children may react strongly to situations that seem relatively trivial to adults.

• Emotional Sensitivity: Emotional sensitivity is another hallmark of this stage. Tweens often take things personally and may react strongly to perceived criticism or exclusion. What may seem like a minor event—such as an argument with a friend or a negative comment from a peer—can feel devastating to them (Saarni, 1999). This increased emotional sensitivity requires parents to approach their children with care, validating their feelings while helping them navigate their emotional responses.

• Struggle for Independence: Alongside the emotional turmoil, tweens also experience the growing need for independence. This desire to assert themselves can sometimes manifest as defiance, making it more difficult for parents to connect with their children during this time. Tweens want to start making their own decisions, but they still require parental guidance to navigate complex emotional and social situations.

Social Development:

Social relationships become more complex during the tween years. Peer relationships take on greater importance, and tweens become more aware of social hierarchies and group dynamics.

• Peer Pressure: As tweens become more focused on fitting in with their peers, they may be more susceptible to peer pressure. This is the time when children begin to experiment with behaviors, attitudes, and clothing choices in an attempt to belong. Peer pressure can have both positive and negative effects, as tweens are learning how to assert themselves while navigating group dynamics (Berndt, 1999).

• Friendship Dynamics: Friendships become more complicated, and loyalty and trust take on new significance. As tweens form deeper friendships, they also experience the pain of social rejection, exclusion, and conflict. The desire to belong may prompt them to sacrifice their own values in order to fit in (Steinberg, 2014).

• Social Comparison: Tweens start comparing themselves more to their peers, which can sometimes lead to issues with self-esteem and body image. They may develop concerns about their physical appearance, social status, or academic performance, as they try to measure up to the expectations of their friends or peers (Saarni, 1999).

2. Emotional Rollercoaster: Why Tweens Seem So Unpredictable

Puberty brings with it an influx of hormones that can cause mood swings, irritability, and emotional volatility. These hormonal shifts are often sudden and difficult to predict, leaving both parents and children frustrated. The emotional rollercoaster is one of the most challenging aspects of parenting a tween.

• Hormonal Changes and Emotional Responses: Hormonal shifts during puberty are responsible for much of the emotional unpredictability in tweens. These changes influence mood regulation, leading to periods of irritability, extreme highs, and deep lows. Tweens may lash out in anger or exhibit extreme sadness in response to situations that seem insignificant to adults.

• The Need for Independence: As tweens begin to separate emotionally from their parents, they may test boundaries and push against authority figures. This is a natural part of their development, but it can lead to increased tension at home. Tweens want to assert their independence and make decisions for themselves, which often results in conflicts with parents who are still trying to maintain control over household rules and expectations.

• The Struggle for Identity: Tweens are beginning to form a sense of self and navigate who they are in relation to the world around them. They may experiment with different identities, trying on different personalities and behaviors. This experimentation can lead to confusion, especially if they’re trying to reconcile different aspects of themselves, such as being a child in some situations and an emerging adult in others.

3. The Importance of Clear Boundaries and Open Communication

The tween years are a time of testing limits, which is why it’s essential for parents to establish clear boundaries while also offering their children the space to explore and express themselves.

• Setting Clear Expectations: During the tween years, it’s crucial to set clear boundaries while still offering the flexibility to make decisions. Tweens need structure to feel safe, but they also crave autonomy. Parents should be consistent in enforcing rules but be open to discussions about the reasons behind them.

• Active Listening: One of the most important tools in understanding your tween is active listening. Instead of reacting immediately, allow them the space to express themselves and acknowledge their feelings. Listening helps build trust and helps your tween feel valued, even when their behavior is challenging.

• Modeling Healthy Communication: Encouraging open dialogue begins with modeling the communication you want to see. Be patient and provide your tween with a safe space to share their thoughts and feelings. Approach each conversation with empathy and respect, validating their experiences.

4. Supporting Their Emotional Growth: Tools for Parents

As tweens go through this emotional rollercoaster, parents can help them develop tools to manage their emotions effectively.

• Teach Emotional Regulation: Helping your tween learn emotional regulation strategies, such as mindfulness, journaling, or talking through difficult emotions, can help them better handle stress. The more tools they have to process their emotions, the easier it will be for them to navigate challenges (Gross, 2002).

• Reinforce Positive Behavior: Celebrate moments when your tween handles challenges or difficult emotions in a mature way. Positive reinforcement builds their confidence and encourages emotional growth.

• Model Resilience: Show your tween how to deal with setbacks, failure, and disappointments. Let them see that mistakes are part of growth and that resilience is built through overcoming obstacles.

Conclusion:

Parenting a tween is about understanding the huge physical, emotional, and cognitive changes happening inside them. By providing stability, setting healthy boundaries, and offering emotional support, parents can guide their tweens through this period of growth and change. With the right approach, parents can help their children develop the emotional intelligence and resilience they need to thrive during these formative years.

Sources:

1. American Academy of Pediatrics. (2016). Physical changes in puberty. Pediatrics, 137(2), e20154224. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2015-4224

2. Berndt, T. J. (1999). Developmental changes in peer relationships. In R. M. Lerner (Ed.), Handbook of child psychology (pp. 571-641). Wiley.

3. Gross, J. J. (2002). Emotion regulation: Affective, cognitive, and social consequences. Psychophysiology, 39(3), 281-291. https://doi.org/10.1111/1469-8986.3930281

4. Piaget, J. (1972). Psychology and epistemology: Towards a theory of knowledge. Viking Press.

5. Saarni, C. (1999). The development of emotional competence. Guilford Press.

6. Steinberg, L. (2014). Age of opportunity: Lessons from the new science of adolescence. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.