The Tween Years Series
Post 1 of 4: —Understanding the Transition from Childhood to Adolescence
Post 2 of 4: Navigating the Social Pressures of the Tween Years
Post 3 of 4: Emotional Intelligence and Resilience: Teaching Tweens How to Manage Their Feelings
Post 4 of 4: 6 Practical Tips for Parents to Survive Mood Swings
Note: As you read these posts, please keep in mind that I am not a mental health professional. I am, however, a mother. My husband and I have walked through self-esteem, depression, and anxiety issues with our daughter. I’ve personally walked through some of these issues when younger. My little sister has battled mental health challenges since middle school. I’ve done research to help those around me that I love dearly. I share my research and my stories. I truly believe in the power of showing someone how much you love them. I truly believe that our words can speak life over another person.
The age range of 8-12 is a challenging but exciting time for both children and parents. These years, often referred to as the “tween years,” mark the transition from childhood into adolescence. This period is characterized by profound physical, emotional, and psychological changes. Understanding these transformations can help parents navigate the complexities of parenting tweens with greater empathy and effectiveness.
Tweens are no longer children, but they’re not yet teenagers either. They exist in a unique phase where the foundation of adulthood begins to take shape, yet they still rely on their families for support, guidance, and reassurance. Parents of tweens often experience frustration as they witness their children becoming increasingly independent, while still struggling with emotional instability and a heightened sensitivity to the world around them.
In this post, we’ll explore the developmental shifts that define the tween years, including physical growth, cognitive development, emotional turbulence, and changes in social dynamics. We’ll also provide guidance on how to support your tween during this period of significant growth and change.
1. The Developmental Shifts: What’s Happening Inside a Tween’s Brain and Body?
Physical Growth:
During the tween years, children undergo significant physical growth. These years are the onset of puberty, which includes major changes like the development of primary and secondary sexual characteristics.
For girls: Puberty typically begins between ages 8-13, with breast development and the onset of menstruation being the most noticeable physical changes (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2016). Girls often experience increased height and weight as well, sometimes causing them to feel self-conscious about their changing bodies.
For boys: Puberty usually begins a bit later, between ages 9-14, and includes deepening of the voice, facial and body hair growth, and increased muscle mass (Steinberg, 2014). Boys also experience growth spurts during this period, though the physical changes may not be as immediately obvious as those in girls.
Both girls and boys may feel awkward or uncomfortable with their new bodies. This period of rapid change can cause confusion, embarrassment, or frustration, especially if their development is happening at different rates compared to their peers. It’s essential for parents to be supportive and understanding of these feelings, acknowledging that such physical changes are part of growing up.
I remember feeling so uncomfortable during this season, and I had no access to social media or the mass barrage of videos and photos of others.
Cognitive Development:
The cognitive abilities of tweens are expanding rapidly during this phase. As they enter the formal operational stage of Piaget’s cognitive development theory, tweens begin to think more abstractly and critically.
Abstract Thinking: One of the significant cognitive changes during the tween years is the ability to think in more abstract terms. This allows tweens to engage with more complex problems, think about the future, and ponder moral and ethical dilemmas (Piaget, 1972).
Questioning Authority: With the development of abstract thinking, tweens often begin to question the world around them, including the rules set by parents, teachers, and other authority figures. They begin to engage more in critical thinking, asking "why" and "how" in ways that might seem like rebellion or defiance (Steinberg, 2014). This can sometimes create tension between parents and children as the tween tests boundaries and challenges the values and rules they’ve grown up with.
Increased Self-Awareness: Cognitive development also leads to greater self-awareness. Tweens begin to understand themselves more deeply, considering their strengths, weaknesses, and place in the world. They also become more self-conscious, as they begin to compare themselves to others and form their identities in relation to social norms.
Emotional Development:
Hormonal changes during puberty create fluctuations in mood and emotional responses. This is why tweens can sometimes seem unpredictable or irrational.
Mood Swings: The hormonal fluctuations associated with puberty often lead to rapid shifts in mood, from happiness to irritability to sadness. Tweens may experience these shifts intensely, without fully understanding or controlling them (Steinberg, 2014). These mood swings can be frustrating for both tweens and their parents, as children may react strongly to situations that seem relatively trivial to adults.
Emotional Sensitivity: Emotional sensitivity is another hallmark of this stage. Tweens often take things personally and may react strongly to perceived criticism or exclusion. What may seem like a minor event—such as an argument with a friend or a negative comment from a peer—can feel devastating to them (Saarni, 1999). This increased emotional sensitivity requires parents to approach their children with care, validating their feelings while helping them navigate their emotional responses.
Struggle for Independence: Alongside the emotional turmoil, tweens also experience the growing need for independence. This desire to assert themselves can sometimes manifest as defiance, making it more difficult for parents to connect with their children during this time. Tweens want to start making their own decisions, but they still require parental guidance to navigate complex emotional and social situations.
Social Development:
Social relationships become more complex during the tween years. Peer relationships take on greater importance, and tweens become more aware of social hierarchies and group dynamics.
Peer Pressure: As tweens become more focused on fitting in with their peers, they may be more susceptible to peer pressure. This is the time when children begin to experiment with behaviors, attitudes, and clothing choices in an attempt to belong. Peer pressure can have both positive and negative effects, as tweens are learning how to assert themselves while navigating group dynamics (Berndt, 1999).
Friendship Dynamics: Friendships become more complicated, and loyalty and trust take on new significance. As tweens form deeper friendships, they also experience the pain of social rejection, exclusion, and conflict. The desire to belong may prompt them to sacrifice their own values in order to fit in (Steinberg, 2014).
Social Comparison: Tweens start comparing themselves more to their peers, which can sometimes lead to issues with self-esteem and body image. They may develop concerns about their physical appearance, social status, or academic performance, as they try to measure up to the expectations of their friends or peers (Saarni, 1999).
2. Emotional Rollercoaster: Why Tweens Seem So Unpredictable
Puberty brings with it an influx of hormones that can cause mood swings, irritability, and emotional volatility. These hormonal shifts are often sudden and difficult to predict, leaving both parents and children frustrated. The emotional rollercoaster is one of the most challenging aspects of parenting a tween.
Hormonal Changes and Emotional Responses: Hormonal shifts during puberty are responsible for much of the emotional unpredictability in tweens. These changes influence mood regulation, leading to periods of irritability, extreme highs, and deep lows. Tweens may lash out in anger or exhibit extreme sadness in response to situations that seem insignificant to adults.
The Need for Independence: As tweens begin to separate emotionally from their parents, they may test boundaries and push against authority figures. This is a natural part of their development, but it can lead to increased tension at home. Tweens want to assert their independence and make decisions for themselves, which often results in conflicts with parents who are still trying to maintain control over household rules and expectations.
The Struggle for Identity: Tweens are beginning to form a sense of self and navigate who they are in relation to the world around them. They may experiment with different identities, trying on different personalities and behaviors. This experimentation can lead to confusion, especially if they’re trying to reconcile different aspects of themselves, such as being a child in some situations and an emerging adult in others.
3. The Importance of Clear Boundaries and Open Communication
The tween years are a time of testing limits, which is why it’s essential for parents to establish clear boundaries while also offering their children the space to explore and express themselves.
Setting Clear Expectations: During the tween years, it’s crucial to set clear boundaries while still offering the flexibility to make decisions. Tweens need structure to feel safe, but they also crave autonomy. Parents should be consistent in enforcing rules but be open to discussions about the reasons behind them.
Active Listening: One of the most important tools in understanding your tween is active listening. Instead of reacting immediately, allow them the space to express themselves and acknowledge their feelings. Listening helps build trust and helps your tween feel valued, even when their behavior is challenging.
Modeling Healthy Communication: Encouraging open dialogue begins with modeling the communication you want to see. Be patient and provide your tween with a safe space to share their thoughts and feelings. Approach each conversation with empathy and respect, validating their experiences.
4. Supporting Their Emotional Growth: Tools for Parents
As tweens go through this emotional rollercoaster, parents can help them develop tools to manage their emotions effectively.
Teach Emotional Regulation: Helping your tween learn emotional regulation strategies, such as mindfulness, journaling, or talking through difficult emotions, can help them better handle stress. The more tools they have to process their emotions, the easier it will be for them to navigate challenges (Gross, 2002).
Reinforce Positive Behavior: Celebrate moments when your tween handles challenges or difficult emotions in a mature way. Positive reinforcement builds their confidence and encourages emotional growth.
Model Resilience: Show your tween how to deal with setbacks, failure, and disappointments. Let them see that mistakes are part of growth and that resilience is built through overcoming obstacles.
Conclusion:
Parenting a tween is about understanding the huge physical, emotional, and cognitive changes happening inside them. By providing stability, setting healthy boundaries, and offering emotional support, parents can guide their tweens through this period of growth and change. With the right approach, parents can help their children develop the emotional intelligence and resilience they need to thrive during these formative years.
Sources:
American Academy of Pediatrics. (2016). Physical changes in puberty. Pediatrics, 137(2), e20154224. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2015-4224
Berndt, T. J. (1999). Developmental changes in peer relationships. In R. M. Lerner (Ed.), Handbook of child psychology (pp. 571-641). Wiley.
Gross, J. J. (2002). Emotion regulation: Affective, cognitive, and social consequences. Psychophysiology, 39(3), 281-291. https://doi.org/10.1111/1469-8986.3930281
Piaget, J. (1972). Psychology and epistemology: Towards a theory of knowledge. Viking Press.
Saarni, C. (1999). The development of emotional competence. Guilford Press.
Steinberg, L. (2014). Age of opportunity: Lessons from the new science of adolescence. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
